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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Infertility in the news, adoption in perspective

An enlightened observation written by an objective party in response to a recent nationally syndicated advice column:

I don’t know why, but it is a hot-button issue for me (married man, no desire for children) when I see people equating giving birth with being a parent. I’m guessing the reference to the 42-year-old [struggling with infertility] was about realizing she wouldn’t conceive, but that in no way means she will never be a mom.

Dear married man, no desire for children:

Thank you. Bravo. Bless you. Well, I do know why it’s a hot button issue for you, at least in part. You are particularly decent and insightful. Beyond that, there is a reason that you will recognize some day — maybe in five years, or 20 or 10.

My friends, Karin and Bob, had adopted two children from Korea back in the early 1990s. Beautiful family in every way.

 

At that time, I had no desire for children.

I walked into a small local newsstand in Boca Raton, looking for a magazine I wanted to learn more about and possibly write for. I heard the guy behind the counter on the phone, talking about international adoption. It seemed to me based on his end of the conversation that he and his wife were dug deep in the trenches in the war against infertility.

I didn’t know why, but something compelled me forward, questioning the whole time, why. Why was this suddenly a hot button issue for me?

Went to our apartment. Spoke to Bob. Got the name of their agency. Drove back to the store. Handed the guy, who was by now off the phone, a piece of paper.

“I hope I’m not being too presumptuous,” I said, feeling like I probably was but also believing that somehow there was a reason that someday might make sense.

“I couldn’t help but overhear you on the phone earlier. My friends adopted two children from Korea using this agency. Just thought I’d pass it along. Good luck!” 

He thanked me, looking a little surprised, a little touched and a lot hopeful.

Seven years later, it was my turn. I chose China. The following year, I had my girl. My Suzanna to Karin and Bob’s Susannah.

Only then did my actions that day seem to fall into place. I had paid it forward — in advance. And really, isn’t that what mothers do all the time?      

6:18 pm edt          Comments


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Word on the web: 

"Very funny, brutally honest, on the mark and well written, Barna gave the world a gift when she wrote this book!"

"I have found this book to be very helpful in supporting and dealing with the emotions of my spouse as we go through our IVF journey. The book really helped me understand the delicate emotions of someone experiencing infertility and how comments like "relax", "stop worrying about it", etc. actually do more harm than help. As a result, I am much more supportive in this IVF cycles than I have been in other cycles because I changed the focus of my comments and have avoided saying the wrong thing." 

"I would recommend this book to anyone who is having difficulties getting pregnant, starting treatment, or have been through treatments to read this book. It really helped me. My husband and I went through 1 1/2 years of treatment before taking a break to get back our lives. When we decided to start back TTC after a year of nothing I bought this book and read it cover to cover in one day. It gave me the emotional strength to start over again. We are still in the process but whenever I feel down on myself I just pick the book up (which I keep next to my bed!) and read a few pages it helps me to focus and get my head back to being me and not about the problems! It helped me laugh at the treatments, my husband, and myself again!" 

"A truly excellent book. It is funny, sad, deep, and very touching."

 

 


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Infertility Sucks! Rocks!
Thanks for visiting. Whether you're a fellow traveler on the road nobody ever wants directions to, or a witness to the human travesty that is infertility, I hope you find warmth, comfort, courage and humor on these cyber pages -- and throughout your longer journey.

All best,
Beverly Barna